Lemons for free

It's a simple thing, but lemons are soooo useful.  We put them in our drinks, we squeeze them for zing in our cooking, we beautify and detoxify ourselves with them ... and, in Portugal, they're practically free!

When there's a lemon tree outside your home you just help yourself. Better still, if it's in the car park, everyone can help themselves. And they just keep on producing, lemon after lemon after lemon. The only downside is that the ones on the lower branches get picked quickly because they are easier to reach.

However, beware. The lemon tree has some sharp and vicious thorns that stick out like stilettos, seeking to spear the unwary lemon-scrumper. Twilight is the best time for scrumping - arrange a cool, windy day when everyone is battening down the hatches and are on the first of their Chief Medical Officer-approved gin and tonics of the day. Dark clothes and soft shoes mask your movements for you certainly don't want to be seen to be so desperate that you scrump publicly available lemons!

Then, out of the door quietly and approach the tree, making sure your face and arms are protected against the thorns. Then, push your way into the body of the tree, aiming for those harder to reach fruit that are just where the little old lady across the road can't get at them, without her stepladder.

Now's the moment! Grasp the fruit firmly and then twist and pull simultaneously. The glorious smell of lemon zest will be on your hands. Now pocket a fruit, grab another and make good your retreat.

No! You don't want the windfalls on the floor. They're bruised and probably going furry by now. In the gloaming you cannot see them, so make your way back home and then slice into that glorious fruit - give it a wash first, mebbe.

Then plop! Fizz! Glug! Lemons - fruit of the gods!